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15/06/2016
I don't sleep on...

I don't sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted.
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23/05/2016
Me, my ass double...

Me, my ass double and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called Take My Hand
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15/05/2016
If you're going to...

If you're going to the kitchen, could you get me two whiskey sours? One for each hand.
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02/05/2016
Bill Oddie gave me a...

Bill Oddie gave me a dressing gown as a Christmas present. He enclosed a receipt so I could take it back if I wanted to. I submitted Oddie’s receipt for tax purposes. I’m guilty as hell Lynn.
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22/04/2016
And though washing...

And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Janine.
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16/04/2016
Follow your dreams....

Follow your dreams. You can reach your goal. I'm living proof. Beefcake.
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11/04/2016
They have trees and...

They have trees and Ewoks and barbecues, which is why I like Endor better than America.
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04/04/2016
One fervid whirl over...

One fervid whirl over her turgid error. Rural Juror.
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28/03/2016
How dare you bring...

How dare you bring shame on this... CELEBRATION OF SHEEP?!
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16/03/2016
Tipsy? You were like...

Tipsy? You were like all of the Mad Men.
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09/03/2016
For a short while, a...

For a short while, a marvellous serenity enters his life and he is at one with nature.
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29/02/2016
One Leap Day when I...

One Leap Day when I was a kid, the Harlem River froze and I decided to cross it carrying my brick collection.
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23/02/2016
I blacked out after...

I blacked out after Goldman's eyes popped out of his sockets. Believe me, you can't unsee that.
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14/02/2016
I'm Jeff Goldblum in...

I'm Jeff Goldblum in 'The Fly'
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07/02/2016
Okay, here's a little...

Okay, here's a little bedroom tip. Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way, when you're done, you have a treat.
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24/01/2016
I hope my legacy is a...

I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.
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18/01/2016
Well, it's the first...

Well, it's the first time I have used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
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11/01/2016
You can try to change...

You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says: Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up. There's nothing you can do.
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01/01/2016
Ugh, I hate January....

Ugh, I hate January. It's dark and freezing and everyone's wearing bulky coats, so you can do some serious subway flirting before you realise the guy is homeless.
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31/12/2015
I do admire Wonka; he...

I do admire Wonka; he is a true capitalist. His factory has zero government regulation, slave labour and an indoor boat. Wonderful.
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29/12/2015
Up in Dublin...

Up in Dublin they’ve things called buses. Big yokes. With wheels. Big long things. Called buses. With wheels!
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28/12/2015
I brought the normal...

I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!.
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26/12/2015
I mean, one does not...

I mean, one does not pick dahlias and chrysanthemums in an alpine meadow.
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15/12/2015
Scully, if I'm...

Scully, if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse, do you assume that I've slept with JFK?
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10/12/2015
You can forget about...

You can forget about Icey T and Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog.
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03/12/2015
They have horse...

They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this oul fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.
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25/11/2015
I sold a Makita...

I sold a Makita cordless drill in the local paper; I got it back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack.
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21/11/2015
Oh, what’s this in...

Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
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11/11/2015
It doesn’t matter...

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
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02/11/2015
You're so nice to me,...

You're so nice to me, and I was so mean about your zookeeper dream.
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22/10/2015
I had bread. I had...

I had bread. I had cheese. I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
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07/10/2015
Excuse me, Meryl...

Excuse me, Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She is perfection.
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27/09/2015
Boos? Really, how...

Boos? Really, how gauche.
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22/09/2015
Analyse, Strategise,...

Analyse, Strategise, Succeed. A.S.S. I'm going to crush this problem with my ass.
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15/09/2015
Let's drink at my...

Let's drink at my place so I can walk home.
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07/09/2015
I don't understand...

I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
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28/08/2015
Why are we watching a...

Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.
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20/08/2015
Ooh, 'sofa'. Somebody...

Ooh, 'sofa'. Somebody got all flouncy when I wasn't looking. What are you going to do, put on galoshes and eat fruit like a Frenchman?
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02/08/2015
All the professional...

All the professional actors write their lines on each other's clothes. The longer the play, the bigger the shirt!
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28/07/2015
Have you seen 'Pretty...

Have you seen 'Pretty Woman'? It's about a prostitute called Richard Gere.
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21/07/2015
Oh, honey, you are...

Oh, honey, you are not trash just because you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.
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16/07/2015
We were getting four...

We were getting four pounds a day and all you could eat. But sure you couldn't eat all day, Garda.
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13/07/2015
He drank a whole...

He drank a whole bottle of champagne out of one of my pumps. My charcoal pads filtered out most of the alcohol, but he still got tipsy enough to sing me a Chuck Mangione song.
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06/07/2015
There’s something...

There’s something missing, something wrong. It’s like a pretty girl with short hair.
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01/07/2015
Bobby and me have...

Bobby and me have decided. He's going to stick vegetables up his nose. He's not going to take over the family gas station.
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23/06/2015
You've a lovely...

You've a lovely voice. Very like Celine Dion!
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17/06/2015
As I sat looking up...

As I sat looking up at the Guinness Ad, I could never figure out how your man stayed up on the surfboard after fourteen pints of stout
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10/06/2015
We have to remember...

We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.
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